1. “Everyone has a enemy. it’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.”
2. “Sisters ruin everything. It’s in their job description.”
3. “We are brought into this world cold, weak and helpless. Then it gets worse.”
4. “Passion, manners and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn’t, you’ll be too hampered to remember.”
5. “Born free. Taxed to death.”
6. “Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes and pies. normal people are fat.”
7. “I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.”
8. “Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.”
9. “Revenge is good. It’s what separates us from the animals and the hippies.”
10. “I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.”
11. “My random acts of violence weren’t random. They were premeditated.”
12. “No problem is so big and difficult that can’t be blamed on somebody else.”
13. “Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got , he didn’t mind.”
14. “Step up or step aside.”
15. “If at first you don’t succeed, then drag racing isn’t for you.”
16. “For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.”
17. “The normal makes a living. The deranged make history.”
18. “The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.”
19. “Divorce is just about change, you know. It’s God saying, You need a change. And I’m going to make it so your bank account only has change.”
20. “I don’t fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn’t work.”
21. “I think when you sit alone with your brain to much, your own brain starts to rebel you.”
22. “A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats hi. Women love my dad, but he’s too big to eat.”
23. “Whenever you’re pissed off, just remember that it’s better than being pissed on.”
24. “Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee and die.”
25. “Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.”
26. “Everyone’s a racist. it’s the one thing that makes us all the same.”
27. “Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools or treacherous devils.”
28. “Humans are born weak and helpless. We’re cursed with natural predators called parents. That’s why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she’s old and frail. But she can kick your dad’s ass.”
29. “A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.”
30. “You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.”
