1. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.”
2. “The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.”
3. “If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.”
4. “When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the glow of happiness.”
5. “The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.”
6. “Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.”
7. “Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.”
8. “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”
9. “Television is the box they buried entertainment in.”
10. “Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.”
11. “You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.”
12. “I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.”
13. “Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.”
14. “Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at.”
15. “Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.”
16. “Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!”
17. “Television. That’s where movies go when they die.”
18. “Laughter is therapy – an instant vacation.”
19. “Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.”
20. “No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties.”
21. “When you get over 95, every day is your day.”
22. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned how to dance – waiting for the bathroom.”
23. “The bet thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.”
24. “I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.”
25. “I have too much money invested in sweaters.”
26. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
27. “If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.”
28. “A bank is a place hat will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
29. “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”
30. “I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.”
