1. “The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.”
2. “I live to laugh and I laugh to live.”
3. “Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”
4. “Laughter is the best medicine in the world.”
5. “I know why superman left krypton, Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!”
6. “Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.”
7. “Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.”
8. “A thing of beauty is a job forever.”
9. “You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who want to look like that.”
10. “It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.”
11. “It’s amazing ow fast later comes when you buy now!”
12. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. i think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
13. “Like every comedian, I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.”
14. “We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – If it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.”
15. “War toys are scary. they have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you misss.”
16. “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”
17. “You can’t believe everything you hear, but it’s fun to repeat it anyway.”
18. “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door, but only as long as it’s not visible from the street.”
19. “You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.”
20. “Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.”
21. “The problem with life is, bu=y the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.”
22. “Money can’t buy you happiness. it just helps you look for it in more places.”
23. “Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.”
24. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
25. “The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up an it doesn’t stop until you get to school.”
26. “Laughter is an instant vacation.”
27. “Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.”
28. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
29. “If you hire relatives, you’ll have a payroll that won’t quit.”
30. “Marriage is one of the few institutions tht allow a man to do as his wife pleases.”
