1. “You have to motivate yourself with challenges That’s how you know you’re still alive.”
2. “You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.”
3. “I think myself more a sportsman than I do as an artist.”
4. “Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.”
5. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
6. “The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.”
7. “If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.”
8. “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
9. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”
10. “I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”
11. “To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.”
12. “People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”
13. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
14. “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”
15. “When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.”
16. “Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.”
17. “The best revenge is living well.”
18. “You can be passionate about anything.”
19. “To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.”
20. “Men want to make women happy.”
21. “If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.”
22. “Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.”
23. “I love advertising because I love lying.”
24. “Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
25. “Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.”
26. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
27. “Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.”
28. “Keep your head up in failure and head down in success.”
29. “How come every day there’s exactly the right amount of news to fill the paper?”
30. “Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.”
