1. “There’s nothing that reflects me. I’m unreflectable!”
2. “I’m surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.”
3. “I’m walking, talking enigma. We’re dying breed.”
4. “Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.”
5. “I don’t take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big thigs small and the small things big.”
6. “Once I know people who I am, it gives me a lot of license and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.”
7. “I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.”
8. “Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.”
9. “You write about what you know.”
10. “When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”
11. “I just feed off the energy of the audience.”
12. “At first, I didn’t realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.”
13. “I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.”
14. “Women love a self-confident bald man.”
15. “It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.”
16. “A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”
17. “I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.”
18. “I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.”
19. “Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate.”
20. “It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically.”
21. “If you tell truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.”
22. “I find human contact repulsive.”
23. “Whenever something good happens to me, it’s usually followed by something terrible.”
24. “My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.”
25. “I like to be quiet and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.”
26. “I just wanted laughs – that’s really what I was after.”
27. “You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid.”
28. “Most practical jokes, I’ll fell too bad for the other person so I’ll stop just before the punchline.”
29. “Anytime I’m involved with anything that’s well- received, it’s a surprise to me.”
30. “I’m not quite anonymous as I was.”
