1. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
2. “My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.”
3. “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.”
4. “A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
5. “Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.”
6. “Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
7. “The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
8. “Comedy is tragedy revisited.”
9. “The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.”
10. “A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.”
11. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
12. “It’s a good thing that beauty is only sin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.”
13. “Old age is when liver spots show through your gloves.”
14. “Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.”
15. “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
